Oh! It Is Nothing But Is It Really?

“Alexa, tell me the meaning of nothing.”
Alexa: Google says- something that does not exist.
“So is my stress, anxiety and depression really nothing?”
Alexa: I’m sorry, I don’t know how to answer that.

Almost always, teenagers turn to their loved ones for the validation of their emotions and feelings. It is human nature. But what happens when elders dismiss their feelings citing them as a ‘phase of life’ or mere over-thinking? This is one of the very first challenges teens face in their mental health journey. Therefore, today’s blog will merely cover the importance of validation and acknowledgment of troubling feelings and emotions in teens which apparently, is not so mere.

Validation, in simple terms, is to acknowledge the feelings and thoughts of others and to communicate to them that the way they are feeling is completely understandable. It is one of the core elements of DBT- Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.

Validation shows the person that you are listening to them and understanding their emotions and situation which consequently results in improved emotional regulation. When a child feels validated, they accept their emotions as a part of themselves and are able to listen to themselves and manage what they feel with much more ease. They even develop skills to self-validate and are kind to themselves. On the contrary, if one’s emotions and thoughts aren’t validated, they might develop a negative attitude towards their feelings and not have a strong sense of self-worth. They may blame themselves and consider their emotions “wrong”.

However, it must be noted that validation is not the same as agreeing. It is a sign of understanding and support without making one feel embarrassed of their emotional experiences.

To help your loved ones in opening up about their problems, feel understood and practice effective emotional validation, here are some important DO’s and DON’Ts :

DO’s:

1. Be present- The most important aspect of validating is being there for the person. Keep aside all distractions and focus entirely on what they have to say. Make them feel like they have your full attention by using phrases like, “I’m here, go on.” and “I’m listening to you”. Body language is also a key to this- be open and welcoming, turn towards them and make eye contact. It makes them feel fully comfortable in your presence and enables them to open up.

2. Acknowledge their emotions and reflect upon them- Let them talk without disruptions, and guide them through open-ended questions such as, “Why do you think that might have happened?” or “What do you think is the cause of this?” to understand where they are coming from. Avoid making any premature assumptions and be empathetic in your tone. To show this understanding and to actively engage with them, you can even reflect upon what they say in your own words from time to time, and use phrases like, “I can see why this might frustrate you.” or “This does seem like a very hard thing to do.”

3. Be genuine- Since you’re elder to them, a few gestures and words might come off as condescending or patronising, even though that isn’t your intention. Therefore, you need to treat them as an equal and not someone younger and naive. Talk to them openly, with complete genuineness and empathy. Even if you don’t completely agree with their line of thinking or find it reasonable, try talking to them and respect the emotions they feel.

DON’Ts

1. Putting blame- Focus on them and their emotions. Do not blame them for feeling the way they do. Don’t use phrases like, “This is your fault.” or “It wouldn’t have happened if…” Try not to put any sort of blame on external sources as well, like “Your friends have influenced you.” or “It’s all because of that phone!”

2. Shutting yourself off- Practising emotional validation is not a one-time thing. It is a continuous process, where you have to show your child that you’re there for them both mentally and physically. Bodily gestures like leaving the room when they enter, long sighs, rolling your eyes or using phrases like, “We are not having this discussion right now.” or “Stop bothering me.” makes them feel like they can’t talk to you, and feel unheard. This leads to suppressed emotions.

3. Trivialise their emotions- Saying things like, “Oh, get over it”, “You shouldn’t feel like that” or “There are so many others with bigger problems” can severely damage all the progress you might have made validating their emotions, and harm their mental health. Make them feel that what they are experiencing is real and that it is okay.

Practising healthy and effective emotional validation using the tips mentioned above can strengthen your relationship with your child, and open up channels of friendly communication with them. It will aid them in regulating their emotions in a better way and handling day-to-day distressing feelings with much more ease. If there isn’t a support system or a person a child can rely upon for this validation, it either leads to stacked up emotions that remain suppressed for years, or channelising the subdued negative energies in wrong, unhealthy ways.

So, Alexa might not have the answer to your child’s problems, but now you surely do!